his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
