Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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