Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Randomize
