I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
