Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
