you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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