two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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