Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
