we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
