just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
