I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
so much tequila, so little girl.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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