he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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