Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
And then he peed in my hair
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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