i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
