you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
whose parrot is this?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
