He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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