We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
