it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
