The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
