um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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