well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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