Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
