she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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