Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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