and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
