Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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