WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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