NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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