so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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