Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
