Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
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