Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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