ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
