Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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