Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
