Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
