new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
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