I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
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