Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
