I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
someone owes me an orgasm
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
