Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just threw up on my dentist
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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