a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
