mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
