No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Every concussion has its silver lining
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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