Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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