I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Are we still banned from the library?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
