i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
