she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
