Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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