I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
