i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
