i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
