She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
