She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Randomize