The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
