all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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