I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize