My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
third nipple confirmed
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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