I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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