Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
