He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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