i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
