was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
