im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize