so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm both gender and math confused
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