My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
