So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize