so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
