ya dads aren't the best wingmen
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
