If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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