garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
