If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize