if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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