my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
